On loving & letting go

My 18 year old daughter informs me recently that she is going on a random road trip, at night, with her friend, to the border of Victoria. A five hour drive. Just for fun. That they will be sleeping in the car, listening to music, getting away from it all, a real adventure.

I stare blankly. Wanting to say…DON”T GO!

In my head I’m seeing massive speeding trucks, slippery dark roads, scary nameless predatory men, the vast, empty beyond and two young girls hurtling through the darkness. Instead I tell her she is sitting with a woman who once was 18 too & hitchhiked to Sydney with her boyfriend, at night, on a whim.

I also tell her to be careful, to please call me, text, tell me you are ok. And I find myself thinking that such a big part of loving seems to be about letting go.

Our little guinea pig, who has been with us for almost five years, turned up her little toes this week. I buried her in the garden beneath the camellia's. There were prayers and thoughts and memories to share as we remembered how she her life had been woven into ours. All the birthdays that passed, the milestones, the summers. And of course the little squeaky sounds she made. Now she is resting peacefully after a happy retirement in the sunny front yard. Fed on tasty vegie scraps, talked to and patted, & loved. We were right there with her till the end.

My son told me recently of something that happened at school. Not to tell anyone else, to keep it to myself. And he’s sad and brave and nine years old. While he tells me how he felt - how he feels, I'm getting teary & sad too, but I can see that he is strong. And already moving on.

My 11 year old is having some friendship struggles, some issues with self esteem. She is growing up and I can see her changing every day. I try to support her, to guide her and sometimes it’s hard. I wonder how to help her through this phase. She is not a little girl anymore but she’s not a teenager either. At times she is confused, unsure. I wonder what is ahead of her, what joys, what pain.  Her blue eyes will see a whole lifetime of challenges and relationships; I wish for her everything & more. I hope she finds many adventures, fulfilment, acceptance, much colour & fun, her own life, & of course, love.

It’s three years next month since the death of my friend's seven year old son. His beautiful and heartbreaking funeral is forever etched in my mind. The pain of his loss, the tattoo of his name, in his Grade One hand writing, on her arm, the memories and living with it all…

and living with the knowledge that I have my kids, that life is unfair.

My baby is a big girl now. She can almost read, she can run off to school without looking back, she running into a new world while I wave goodbye.

And she wakes me this morning with  a huge hug and the rushed words, “Mummy I cried for you last night, when you were gone, because I just love you so much” Her dear little soft face, her cuddly six year old body snuggled next to mine, I’d love to capture this moment in a bottle, and keep it forever.

And then there’s me. Trying to find some space in my life, wondering where it will lead me. Wondering how do I fit my own dreams and me, into our family. I’m weighing things up, thinking about opportunites, asking for help,  floating, not cleaning the house enough and trying to juggle it all. I’m thinking of my children & Mark but I’m also thinking about me. I guess this year is a weird one for me, nothing is quite clear and maybe that’s ok for now.

What’s happening with you lately? Are you pondering your own life?

Whatever you are up to I hope you are enjoying some sunshine and of course, much love. 

See you soon sweet friends xo