When Lucy was born nine years ago I was so excited. Having had a break between babies of seven and a half years I couldn't wait to have another. When I held her in my arms for the first time I was so full of love for her. It was a challenging time too though, in many ways, as we all adjusted to each other. Recently married Mark and I moved with Charlotte to a new area and I had finished working at a job I really enjoyed. Charlotte had so many things to adjust to as well - Mark, a new baby and a new school where she wasn't very happy.
Through it all though I adored Lucy, and loved & supported Charlotte. In a way Lucy's early months are a blur but I'll always remember how her sweet & calm nature soothed me. When I look at Lucy now, at nine years and one day, I still see the gentle, far away look in her eyes that she had as a baby. She is still my baby of course and it's been just amazing this week celebrating her life so far. 
It probably wasn't surprising that I slipped into the quicksand of post natal depression. Feeling isolated and anxious I struggled on feeling pretty worthless. I can clearly remember sitting at the Maternal Health nurse's waiting room and reading a pamphlet and ticking all the boxes that indicated possible PND. It was a real light bulb moment. I also remember another time sitting in my car and telling my friend, quite calmly, that I had been contemplating ending my life. Looking back this is pretty scary and sad. As anyone who has had, or has, depression knows it really is like a black cloud coming down, a cloud that is so hard to shift.
Once I realised what was happening to me I was pretty determined to get through it. This wasn't easy. My gp prescribed anti depressants but really I was too anxious to take them! So I had counselling and with support from my family I did get back on track. Seeking help was the best way forward, acknowledging that I needed it was a major step. I would encourage anyone with any form of depresssion to find support, to make yourself a priority, to understand that you matter.
Through it all though I adored Lucy, and loved & supported Charlotte. In a way Lucy's early months are a blur but I'll always remember how her sweet & calm nature soothed me. When I look at Lucy now, at nine years and one day, I still see the gentle, far away look in her eyes that she had as a baby. She is still my baby of course and it's been just amazing this week celebrating her life so far.
They were 1, 3, 5, 6 & 13 ... boy how they have grown since then!
I can't believe Rosie will be four this year!! Char is starting year 11, Lucy is in grade 3, Bill Boy is in grade 2 and Sunday is going to be a preppie!!